"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm good!"
Lie. I'm not good. Everything is not fine.
I guess that's the best way to express how I've been feeling these past couple of weeks. That's also one reason why I've been so MIA on this blog. The truth is, I've been high-key struggling, for multiple reasons. I don't want to turn this into a pity party so I'm not going to go into specifics. All I'll say is I'm tired, every single part of me feels tired. My body, my mind, my heart, my EVERYTHING. And I couldn't bring myself to blog about anything because I felt that it would all be so fake. That I would be faking hopefulness when in reality, I don't feel hopeful at all.
So why am I writing now? I guess I felt I needed to be honest. Honest with myself and honest with you guys, my friends and family, the ones I care about. Contrary to what it might look like on this blog, it's not always easy for me to find God in every situation. Sometimes, it's really really really difficult, times like now.
BUT!! Whether I am able to see it or not at the moment, the fact remains. God IS still good. And since it is a fact, I MUST strive towards truly believing it. God has been so gracious to me this week reminding me several times, through devotions, through speakers, that He is still God even in the midst of trials, even when my vision has been blurred by tears, even when the bags under my eyes feel heavier than the backpack on my back. He STILL cares and He STILL has control of my life and He STILL loves me, even when I can't seem to find (or maybe even don't want to find) His face. And THAT is reason enough to thank Him.
I'm still struggling. My everything is still fatigued. It's still difficult for me to feel OK. I still can't genuinely say that I'm good. But I can wake up every day and know that I still have God out there who will always remain more powerful than any circumstance, who will brush away my tears so that I can see again, who will pick me up off the ground when the bags under my eyes threaten to weigh me down.
So...
Thank you God for being God.
~jo