*This post is part of a 6-part series in which I show you my weekly reflections during the 6-week mission trip. I'll be releasing one part every week so check back often if you would like to relive my trip with me!
W E E K 3 : J U L Y 2 - J U L Y 9
Hello hello! We are officially halfway through this summer mission! Time seems to be going by so slow but so fast at the same time! It's been hard for me to take it all in and process everything because so many things happen. I find myself missing my fam and counting down the days till I get to go home. And I feel really guilty, like I'm not finding joy in doing God's work. Sometimes the guilt becomes really heavy, to the point where it overwhelms me and I need to talk about it with people.
So that's what I did one day. I was able to process these feelings with one of my lovely teammates and found out she felt the same way. But we came to the conclusion that it's ok to have these feelings, because if missions were easy and enjoyable (100% of the time), then what's the point. One important aspect of missions is that it's meant to stretch you so that you learn more about and draw closer to God. So I think it's OK to feel guilty, as long as we remember to use it as motivation to pursue God even more relentlessly.
On another note, I was so so SO blessed to be able to witness a prayer to receive Christ (PRC) this week! It happened so fast that even now, I have trouble believing it's real. I know I should be so joyful that I have gotten a new sister-in-Christ, but again, I feel guilty. I feel that I went into the conversation and relationship wanting a PRC so that I could say I led someone to Christ. And ironically, the fact that it did happen, makes me feel even worse. I feel I don't deserve to have witnessed it, especially because I went in with that mentality. And I don't know why God allowed me to see it. And in my head, it feels like I'm repeatedly beating myself up. :(
This is where my lovely teammates come in again! That night, I was able to process it with 2 of my sistas and they just encouraged me so much. I think what really changed my mentality was when they said the fact that I was feeling guilty meant that my heart was in the right place.
After thinking about it some more, God revealed to me another truth. By feeling guilty, I was actually being really selfish. The situation became more about my own feelings than about the actual PRC and the fact that a lost sheep had been found.
I'm so grateful for my teammates who are willing to listen to me and stay up late processing my feelings with me. People are so important and are truly gifts from God. That being said, I'm so grateful for a God who knows us more than we know ourselves. He knows exactly what we need and desire and provides accordingly. I'm so grateful for a God who loves me more than I can ever know and who keeps on loving me despite my selfishness. I'm so grateful for a God who, when I run away from His love a fast as I can, runs even faster to not only catch up to me, but go before me to provide a soft cushion when I get tired of running. I am grateful for a God who is truly God. Week 4 leggooooooo!!!
~jo