(Heads up: this post is a little different from my normal posts. It’s more of a demonstration of gratitude and a little bit of a raw + REAL portrayal of my emotions.)
An empty bottle of sparkling cider… is currently sitting on my dining table. It’s a reminder that last night was real. It’s a reminder that I cried and cried and cried some more, until my eyes puffed up to the point that I couldn’t see any more. It’s a reminder of all the negative emotions that HIT me, SO HARD, that all I wanted to do was shrink into a ball and disappear.
But, it’s also a reminder of the love I received. A reminder of God’s love, conveyed through the love I received from my WONDERFUL roommates + a special friend!
The whole last week, I had been struggling with a lot of negative emotions including but not limited to: guilt, regret, shame, etc. These emotions were sparked from something that didn’t happen as expected (that I’m not gonna disclose just cuz it’s too long to explain and because that’s not the point of the post. If you wanna know more though, please reach out and I’ll be happy to share with you!). Honestly, I was feeling pretty poopy the whole week and spent more time trying to comfort myself than on my assignments/extracurriculars. This resulted in me feeling emotionally drained and I did everything half-heartedly because I was so focused on solving my emotions. (If you didn’t notice, that just means that I was successful at hiding it, it’s not your fault!)
Over the weekend, I was finally able to recover like 60% of myself. But then, during a phone call with my mom, the negative emotions came flooding back, this time, with a vengeance. Don’t get me wrong, my mom didn’t do anything wrong!! She actually consoled me and made sure to repeatedly tell me that it wasn’t my fault. It was all me + the voices in my head. During the call, I actually bursted out crying. It was as if all the emotions that I had worked so hard to hide and bottle up that week were finally unleashed.
I cried hard for a good 30 minutes while my mom tried her best to speak truth to me over the phone. One of my roommates noticed and immediately rushed to bring me tissues (thank you). After I hung up, my eyes were so swollen from crying that I actually couldn’t see clearly. My head hurt and I was tired. I started talking to my roommate about what had just happened, sniffling here and there. Then my other roommate came down and asked me if I was ok, while gently patting my back (thank you). I think that was the one question that I had wanted to hear all last week. So when she asked, I immediately started crying… again. And then my other roommate also came down (thank you). And then a little later, a GOOD friend of ours just happened to come over (thank you). And through my tear-filled explanation of the emotions I was going through, they just listened. I was blubbering half the words and snot was running down my nose and I was doing that ugly heave-breathing thing.
But through all the ugliness, they just listened. And they didn’t judge. Instead, they loved. And after I was done talking, there was still no judgment. There was only encouragement + advice + more love. And then we broke out the sparkling cider (cuz no drinking underage kids!) + mini pies and toasted to God’s love + goodness. We also spent some time in prayer.
For me, that moment was so powerful. My roommates + friend (who actually came over to do hw hehe) dropped everything to listen to me and be there for me. And the encouragement they gave me was not surface-level. It was rooted in a deep understanding of God’s love and who He is. And that kind of thing only comes through a shared understanding of who we are as Christians and how loved we are by God.
So even though I’m not fully ok with myself just yet, I’m so grateful that I got to taste, once again, God’s sweet sweet love. And goshdarnit imma miss my roommates so much next year!! :’(
~jo