No, this is not about a boy. Heh.
Whoa I’m actually scared to write this. Not particularly because of the subject matter, but because of the fact of how long it’s been since I last posted. Y’know when you haven’t done something in a long long time, and you’re afraid you won’t be able to pick it back up, or that you won’t be able to do it as well as you used to? That’s kinda how I’d describe what I’m feeling right now. It’s been a while since I last articulated my feelings and the lessons God teaches me on the internet and to be quite frank, I’m a little nervous that I’ve forgotten how to. Buuuut we never know and we’ll never pick it back up unless we just do it, amirite??
Alrighty so imma just get started. I was originally gonna make a post summarizing all the things that occurred in my life in the last semester, but I think this one lesson I’m about to share with y’all will encapsulate a good chunk of my past semester.
So last semester, I started my very first big gorl job at Ann Taylor. It was HECKA hard. I totally underestimated how difficult being a student and working would be. Long story short, there was a situation where I was placed in a position that required me to work 32 hours/week. In essence, I was a full-time employee AND a full-time student. As I got busier with work, I found myself watching my social life disappear before my eyes (ok that was a lil dramatic I’ll admit). On top of work and school, I also had to fulfill leadership responsibilities for a couple orgs and I was also serving in church (I promise I’m not flexing eek). Needless to say, I burned out.
At the time, I definitely knew that I was burnt out, but I guess I didn’t exactly realize how that burnout manifested itself, until I did some reflection before going to Epic National Conference (Epic is my campus ministry). I realized that over time, I had developed a bitterness towards all people in general- my friends, my co-leaders, my customers, my professors, basically everyone. And that stemmed largely from selfishness. Working in retail, or any type of customer service for that matter, oftentimes requires you to face situations where customers may be unhappy and may say some not-so-nice things to you. But you can never express your frustration or anger for fear of being blamed for bad customer service. I definitely received many rude comments during work, and I felt that I didn’t deserve any of it, especially when I was already trying my bestest to make them happy. But again, I could only suppress my own anger with a smile and repeatedly tell them I was sorry for whatever it was that made them upset. Eventually I grew to be upset with what I thought of as “rude” and “unfair” treatment and this led me to be easily irritated by my customers. In another vein, I felt that I was spending so much time always serving others through my various leadership roles, and that I was not spending enough time for myself.
It wasn’t until I was journaling that I finally realized and admitted to myself that *gasp* I had fallen out of love with people!! Notice that in expressing my frustration with work and my leadership roles, I focus a lot on the words “I,” “me,” and “myself.” Over the course of the semester, I had grown to pity myself and the 'lack of care I felt I was getting, that I started to harbor resentment towards others. I began to view everyone as an obstacle in the way of pursuing my own comfort and happiness. And ultimately, my bitterness towards others made me so so tired. Resenting people is so exhausting y’all, and I genuinely believe it’s because God designed us to love.
And so I prayed right before conference that God would restore my love for people.
During conference, one of our speakers, Vivian Mabuni, spent one of her messages talking about how ALL people are beautiful because they are made in the image of God Himself. And because they’re made in God’s image, that makes them more beautiful than any sunset or golden hour we’ll ever witness. I knew, in that instant, that God was telling me that the very people I had grown to resent were beautiful gems I needed to cherish. Even the rudest customer is more beautiful than the beautifully painted colors of the sky. Although it’s still hard for me to see them as such, I MUST because if God loves them, I have no excuse not to love them. Jesus received far more than just a couple rude comments, yet in his eyes, the very ones who hurt him he considered beautiful.
Another thing I realized through journaling was that the reason I had fallen out of love with people was because I had fallen a lil out of love with God. This part of my blog is called “With Love, God” because I believe the lessons I learn are like love letters from God. The absence of posts is like a reflection of my heart’s unwillingness to receive these love letters. And how can I hope to give out love when I can’t even accept God’s love for me? So currently, another prayer of mine is for God to restore my love for Him.
It’s so easy to learn lessons from things like conferences and retreats because you’re given so many opportunities to experience intimacy with God. However, applying it afterwards is another story. I could spend post after post talking about how much I’ve learned about loving others. But what use is it if I don’t actually do it. It’s gonna be challenging fosho, BUT I know that if I am faithful in seeking out God’s love letters for me (NOTE TO SELF: post more often!!), He will be faithful and grant me the discipline and capability to follow through and love His people.
~jo