I… honestly don’t know. This is a question I’ve been asking myself for the past 2 weeks. And I honestly haven’t found the answer, which is why I’m writing this post today. I believe God speaks to me through my own writing, so I guess that’s what I’m hoping for today?
Life in Shanghai has been great. I’ve eaten a lot of good food, seen a lot of beautiful sights, and have gotten the chance to meet so many cool people. There is one thing though, that I didn’t anticipate would create such a huge problem. And that is, the pollution. I’ve been to China so many times and have never had a problem with the air here, but this time it was different. After about 2 weeks of living in Shanghai, my left eye started feeling realllllyyy uncomfy. It felt like there was something constantly in my eye and at times, it would be so painful to just keep it open. I also found that I was incredibly sensitive to light. But I passed it off as a temporary condition.
On the day that was supposed to be the first day of my internship, I woke up and something in me was telling me that I HAD to go to the eye doctor that day. I tried to argue with myself. The stubborn part of me was like, “Your internship starts today, there’s no way you can skip your first day!!” But then another part of me was like, “You HAVE to go see the doctor today. Otherwise it’ll get worse and you could end up blind.” And ofc no one wants to be blind, so I apologized profusely to my boss for having to miss my first day, and went to the eye doctor.
Sitting in the doctor’s office, I was TERRIFIED. I felt so alone cuz my parents weren’t there (they didn’t even know about my eye at that point), no other adult was with me. I was in a foreign country’s eye hospital… alone… and at that point, I had no clue what was wrong with my eye. Thankfully, the front desk lady was super nice to me cuz I think she could sense how scared I was. After my examination, the doctor told me that I had damaged my left cornea. The pollution had irritated my eye and wearing my contact lens had made it worse. She told me I couldn’t wear my left contact for a week. For people who wear day contacts, that wouldn’t be a problem cuz they could just wear their glasses. I wear night contacts though, so I never was able to get glasses. So not wearing my left contact poses a HUGE problem, cuz that would leave me half-blind. I had no other option though, so I agreed to not wear my left contact lens for a week.
Then came paying for the appointment. When I looked up eye hospitals, I had thought that this one would take my international insurance. But they didn’t, so everything had to be paid out-of-pocket. When the nurse showed me the bill, it said $925. At that time I didn’t know that was the RMB amount, and read it as 925 USD. I wanted to cry. But I held it in bc I didn’t want to put the nurse in an awko-taco situation. My hand was literally shaking when I handed over my debit card, and as soon as I walked out of the office, I burst into tears. Not only was I not going to be able to see for a week, but I had also just spent almost 1k!?!? After already paying for this hecka expensive internship program?!? At that moment, 60% of the tears came from the guilt I felt once again about deciding to do this program.
Fast forward 2 weeks to today. I was ordered to spend another week without my left eye contact lens. So it has now been 2 weeks that I have not been able to see clearly. I’ve been able to go to work, but I always come home exhausted bc of the energy I exert only being able to use one eye. Fortunately I was able to get a case opened for me by my international insurance and right now, I’m still in the process of trying to get reimbursement for the appointment. In the back of my mind, I’m also always worrying about the condition of my eye. Is it getting better? Is it getting worse? Is my right eye going to be affected next?
I wish I could say that these fears were illogical. But yesterday, my right eye started feeling really uncomfy also. And so I’m afraid the same thing is happening to my right eye. Last night I went to bed without both of my contact lens, so the world is pretty blurry right now and my face is right next to my screen, struggling to write this.
If you ask me how I’m feeling right now, I would sav S-C-A-R-E-D. I’m TERRIFIED, to say the least. I still have no clue what’s going on with my eyes, my parents aren’t here to tell me what to do, I can’t see but I still have to go to work, and I don’t know if all this is going to permanently affect my vision. I’m at a loss of what to do, but I don’t want to go back to the eye doctor because that’ll cost me another $100 USD and I haven’t even gotten reimbursed for my first 2 visits. (sorry that was a lot of emotions)
The other day, I was scrolling through IG and saw a post about praising God even when it’s hard to. I think that really resonated with me cuz I found myself blaming God for this situation. I had been praying HARD for the last 2 weeks to heal my eyes, but I felt that no healing had occurred, as a matter of fact, it only got worse. So I started to ask: “God, where ARE you?? Are you on vacay or sumthin??? Are you not hearing my prayers?? Do you not hear my call for help??”
But ofc, that’s a totally wrong mentality to have, especially after I’ve seen time and time again that God is ALWAYS present and He’s ALWAYS listening. Even though I know that, it’s just kind of hard to 100% believe right now. But I guess that’s what the journey of faith is all about. God doesn’t promise us that it’ll be easy, but He does promise us that He’s there even when it feels like He’s not. And I guess that’s reason enough to praise Him. So even though I don’t know what the week ahead looks like (ahaha wow look I made a pun!!), imma give my very best effort to PRAISE Him and REJOICE in the fact that I’m not totally alone. Even though this is not the ideal situation, I. WILL. STILL. PRAISE. HIM. Even when the pain becomes unbearable, I. WILL. STILL. PRAISE. HIM. Even though I might not get my vision back for a while, I. WILL. STILL. PRAISE. HIM.
~jo
p.s. to whoever reads this, could you also pray for healing as well as the ability to praise Him when it’s hard? WOW love Christian community!! :’)
— SOME OTHER THINGS TO PRAISE GOD ABOUT —
the opportunity to even do this internship abroad program
that me + my luggage got here safely
that I was able to get my work visa with few problems
that I have such a nice apartment to stay at
that I found a church to attend
that I have the money to buy food + necessities
that God has kept me alive thus far
that God has given me friends on this trip
that I’ve been able to pee + poop with no issues (guys, it’s a real concern here)
that I have coworkers who teach me loads about working + life in general
that I have AC in my apartment
that I have (cute) clothes to wear
that I have a family who supports me even when it’s expensive
that I have friends at home who still keep up with me even abroad
that my skin has been great here (the humidity here is great for my skin, y’all)
that I had an eye doctor to go to
that I had 50% of my vision
that I’m still able to smile + laugh
that I have days when I can sleep in
that I have my faith + my God when I feel alone